Posted on Twitter on May 7th on what I am told was someone’s National Day of Prayer, my reaction to die-hard Star Trek fan expectations of J.J. Abrams’ new movie. I opted to combine two different issues using one silly metaphor.
And the evening and the morning were the first Star Trek movie. And Lo, it was shit.
And Paramount said “Bring forth the Harve Bennett, that he may save this, our only viable science fiction franchise!”
And Harve Bennett begat Nicholas Meyer, and together they begat Ricardo Montalban. And the people rejoiced.
And the evening and the morning were The Wrath of Khan.
And Paramount did plead with Meyer to return unto a sequel, that they might avoid the mediocre confusion of Roddenberry.
And the Caliban Spock was summoned to direct his own Resurrection, and the evening and the morning were the Third Movie.
And lo, Meyer was again compelled to lend his strengths towards the next effort. But Paramount was uncertain, and demanded populist fare.
And the evening and the morning and the rubber whales were the Fourth Movie.
But Shatner was a dark and jealous lord, and did demand from Paramount his restitution for accolades accorded his more talented colleague.
And Paramount decreed that Shatner would have his day, but in parsimonious portion.
And the evening and the morning were the Abomination of the Fifth Movie.
And once again Paramount gazed from its lonely tower towards Nicholas Meyer. “Save us yet again!” it cried plaintively.
And as the Beast known as Berman peered from afar in its slime pit, Meyer did deliver unto the populace a story full of succor and joy.
And the Plummer did out-act the Shatner, as the Caliban Spock provided sage words to accompany their journey towards yet more explosions.
And the evening and the morning were the Sixth Movie. Here endeth the lesson.
And it came to pass that the vile Beast Berman rose to control of The Tales, and did wrest control of the franchise.
And Berman’s acolytes were many. Among them, Braga and Moore grew to prowess in their own twisted skills. And they were thus called upon.
And Paramount spake: “Write us this next movie! Here is your list of events which must come to pass within it! Study it, but do not falter!”
“And We will thereunto hold your gonads in safe-keeping until thy ministrations are complete! Go now, and Begin the Crew Transition!”
And the Unholy Duo did slay the Shatner, and weaken the Picard. Their images were rife with color, but the Tale was found wanting.
And the evening and the morning were the Seventh Movie.
But the Unholy Duo did not cease in their efforts to tell the Tale, having been freed from the accursed legacy of old men. They began anew.
And the Unholy Duo did tell a Story of Triumph, Temptation, and virile male Posturing with Firearms. And the people were happy once again.
Rapt Fandom ogled the Borg Harlot as she schemed and snarled to no avail, as Picard and his Machina consigned her Sin to vapor.
And the evening and the morning were the Eighth Movie.
But time did pass, attentions wavered, and a Tale was crafted which passed unto such Obscurity that even the Faithful must scratch heads.
And the evening and the morning were the Ninth Movie.
And thence we proceed thereunto one last attempt to tell a story that had been told ofttimes before. Of Revenge, Sacrifice, and Old Age.
And its Players did grow old in the telling, as their audience had done years before. And the evening and the morning were the Tenth Movie.
And a great Malaise settled upon the Fandom, as they turned inward, crafting their own Tales of moments that had never mattered to anyone.
And lo, a new Storyteller found his way to influence, and did approach the Paramount with persuasive balm for nervous accountants.
Here endeth the lesson, because I’m seeing the movie next Tuesday.
I’ve only slightly edited for lapses in keyboarding and intrusions by actual day-job work which disrupted what I’d like to call “rhythm.” It turns out that Twitter’s 140-character limit makes for fairly good fake-Old-Testament sentence structure.
I’m looking forward to making a very brief post here after Tuesday night.